Jersey Barrier

The New Jersey National Guard moved onto the military base over here, which was nice, because it meant I could use my native tongue whenever I rolled through the gate to get the Post Office. 

GUARD: (taps on my car window) Pardon me, sir; can I see some ID? 

ME: (rolls down the window) Yeah? What for? 

GUARD: Oh, so the smart guy here thinks he speaks Jersey, huh? 

ME: So what are ya gonna [Bad Word]ing do about it? 

GUARD: I’m gonna [Bad Word]ing ask you for your [Bad Word]ing ID, that’s what I’m gonna do. 

ME: (hands it over) I hope you choke on it, jerk-off. 

GUARD: (scans card) So, trying to bring weapons or contraband on the base like some stupid [Bad Word]? 

ME: What, are you [Bad Word]ing stupid or something? Do I look like the kind of [Bad Word] who would bring [Bad Word]ing weapons or contraband on base? 

GUARD: (hands the card back and signals his partner) You look like a [Bad Word]. Now get the [Bad Word] out of my face! 

ME: Up yours, [Bad Word]! 

(The gate opens, and I drive away) 

GUARD: (shouts after me) [Bad Word] you, buddy! 

ME: Same to you, pal! 

Some Serious Ship

I learned two things today at the Army Post Office. First, there is a huge discount for shipping books domestically; second is that, among the contraband items forbidden to be sent (a list that includes porn, alcohol, and knives) is nuclear material.  

The latter begs the question: who the hell sends nuclear material through the Post Office? Everybody knows that shit goes through UPS. 

Cat Fight

Chapter 1: I settled down to a nice lunch of leftover Nando’s chicken. Unbeknownst to me, Newcastle somehow stole and hid a skin-covered bone—which, in retrospect, explains why he stopped bothering me about it all of a sudden. 

Chapter 2: While I went to the gym, Kate settled down to a nice dinner of the rest of the leftover Nando’s. Assuming this meant it was chicken-time for everyone, Newcastle retrieved the skin-covered bone from its hiding place and happily trotted around the living room with it. 

Chapter 3: Kate chased down and caught Newcastle, removing his prize from his mouth. I’m assuming the soundtrack to this was “Yakety Sax” by Boots Randolph. 

Chapter 4: I returned from the gym to Kate on the couch with a look on her face that said, very clearly, “You need to control your pet.” I shuffled to the bedroom to Newcastle on the floor with a look on his face that said, very clearly, “You need to control your pet.”