Jersey Barrier

The New Jersey National Guard moved onto the military base over here, which was nice, because it meant I could use my native tongue whenever I rolled through the gate to get the Post Office. 

GUARD: (taps on my car window) Pardon me, sir; can I see some ID? 

ME: (rolls down the window) Yeah? What for? 

GUARD: Oh, so the smart guy here thinks he speaks Jersey, huh? 

ME: So what are ya gonna [Bad Word]ing do about it? 

GUARD: I’m gonna [Bad Word]ing ask you for your [Bad Word]ing ID, that’s what I’m gonna do. 

ME: (hands it over) I hope you choke on it, jerk-off. 

GUARD: (scans card) So, trying to bring weapons or contraband on the base like some stupid [Bad Word]? 

ME: What, are you [Bad Word]ing stupid or something? Do I look like the kind of [Bad Word] who would bring [Bad Word]ing weapons or contraband on base? 

GUARD: (hands the card back and signals his partner) You look like a [Bad Word]. Now get the [Bad Word] out of my face! 

ME: Up yours, [Bad Word]! 

(The gate opens, and I drive away) 

GUARD: (shouts after me) [Bad Word] you, buddy! 

ME: Same to you, pal! 


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