Let Me Ass a Question

I’d been having a day full of traffic stress and other such inconveniences that low blood sugar transforms into Godzilla-level disasters, leading me to a mild panic attack. I had to get out of my truck, and so I (safely) abandoned it and hauled ass to the closest place to get a sandwich and a smoothie. 

A few bites and sips later, manager of the cafe dropped by my table to instruct me on the proper use of a glass catsup bottle. Just before he left me to my fries, he shyly inquired, “If you don’t mind, I was hoping you could help us with something we need to know.” 

“Sure,” I say. After all, he did outwit the catsup for me. Besides, I was curious. 

“Do you say ‘d-OHN-key,’ or ‘d-AHN-key’?” 

“Um,” I reply. I now had a few questions of my own, but they were better left unasked.  

But the story didn’t end there. Because after lunch, I took a walk and stopped in a Starbuck’s for a coffee and a half-hour with my new sketchbook. The barista consulted me on something she could not comprehend at all, which was the American obsession with pumpkin-flavoring every autumn. 

And so, all it took to wipe away all the stress and tension of the previous ninety minutes was a brief discussion of the regional accents and seasonal flora of my home country. Seriously, I forgot why I had this headache. 

The Hero That Mews by Night

By day, he is a mild-mannered kitten named Henry “Houdini” Schroeder. But whenever adventure beckons, he becomes the mighty of heroes … in your darkest hour, you call him by name: 

Dammitcat! 

MARVEL! as he pushes breakable objects off of high spaces! (Dammitcat!) 

BE AMAZED! as he clamps his tiny jaws on your lunch and dinner and drags them away when your back is turned! (Dammitcat!) 

GASP! as he weaves his way between your shins as you walk down steep stairs! (Dammitcat!) 

THRILL! as he bats your pens, fingernail clippers, phones, remote controls, and medications under furniture! (Dammitcat!) 

LKDKJHFG! as he leaps on your keyboard when you’re trying to type! (Dammitcat!) 

He’s DAMMITCAT! Coming soon! To your house! because I want him the hell out of mine! Like, immediately! 

Cat Fight Part 2

I overheard the following exchange this morning between Kate and Henry the kitten: 

MEOOOOOOOWL!” 

“I’m not letting you in!” 

MEOOOOOOOWL!” 

“I’m allowed to go to the bathroom alone!” 

MEOOOOOOOWL!” 

“Go away!” 

MEOOOOOOOWL!” 

I then heard the sound of a door opening and closing. 

“Happy now?” 

Mew!”