“Whoa!” I shouted to the hairy, naked ass and to the girl whose legs were wrapped around it. “Jesus! What the hell? There is a lock! Right there! To keep this kind of thing from happening! Jesus!”
After recoiling and slamming the door, I stole a quick glance of the bar where she sat, tucking her hair back into a clip with one hand and sipping from a beer with the other.
Forty hours ago, my world was gone. The woman I loved had dumped me with the help of the US Postal service, I had a few days left to vacate my apartment without anywhere to vacate to, and, because these things happen in threes, somebody put a gun to my head and took away my money. Alone and unsure, I’d resigned myself to spending the rest of my life without smiling again.
And now, there she was, catching my gaze and flashing me a raised eyebrow, a smirk, and a shrug so slight that only I would see it. She showed me how to get back to my feet and keep doing what I did best–much the same as I did to her from the moment we first met. She was beautiful, wild, sexy, and totally not my type. She was the most important friend I’ve ever had. She was my angel.
And it was that look in her eye that inspired me to open the door again and say to the couple, who had by now resumed fornicating, “How do you guys even dothat? Yoga? There’s not even enough room in here for a sink!” I wish I was kidding, but it could actually be found around the corner. That reminded me: “And don’t forget to wash up. Seriously.”
“Get!” the woman yelled in the voice of a bear. “The fuck! Out!”
“Lock. Right here,” I replied and slammed the door.
Forty hours ago, I never would have imagined me laughing, but here I was.
Lisa Green shot me an expression and gesture that said, “What the hell is going on over there?”
With my own expression and gesture, I replied, “I’ll fill you in later,” before stepping over to enter the second restroom.
“Occupied,” snarled the unshaven redneck sitting on the toilet.
“I can see that!” I snarled back. “There is a motherfucking lock!”
I returned to the stool beside Lisa, sipped my beer, and told her, “Occupied.”
“There’s two restrooms, you know,” offered Dan the bartender.
“Also occupied,” I said. “By three people.”
Lisa squinted at me. “Each?”
“Total,” I replied.
Dan the bartender asked, “How can anybody even do that? Yoga?”
“And some lube, I’m sure.” To Lisa I explained, “They’re kind of small.”
“Figured that’s why the sink’s on the outside.”
“Do me a favor?” I asked. “Keep an eye out over my shoulder and let me know when someone finished up?”
“That might be sooner than you think,” she told me.
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Was one of the guys a hick with a chin-beard and a trucker hat?”
“He’s right behind me,” I sighed, “isn’t he?”
She nodded again.
Facing the man, I told him, “I said I was sorry.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Well, I’m saying it now: I’m sorry I interrupted you defecating. Please forgive me.” And with that, I returned my attention to Lisa.
“He’s still here,” she said.
The man asked, “Anybody ever teach you to el knocko?”
I turned back around. “I see what you did there: You transformed an English phrase into a mockery of Spanish by adding an O and the article el to the…”
The next thing that happened was unclear, but I noticed that all of my air had been forcibly removed, the world burst into a bright shade of pink, and I groped the bar for anything to hold onto. As I sank to my knees, I managed to gasp, “Green, I’m going down.”
The environment rushed back in, filling my lungs, and populating the space around me with an audience asking if I was okay. In my opinion, this was a dumb question. I panted for a bit and scanned the room for cute faces. “Any of you ladies a nurse?”
Just about every one of those cute faces frowned.
“Any of you ladies want to learn?”
That’s when the crowd parted, and from my vantage point, I watched a pair of scuffed work boots stagger backward. The dungaree-clad knees attached to them buckled, and shortly thereafter, the rest of the redneck crashed to the floor.
Lisa’s hand appeared in front of me, and I took it so she could drag me to my feet. “You had that coming.”
“It’s true,” I replied.
It was then that we realized that everyone, including Dan the bartender, was aghast.
“What?” I asked them.