“Since then, I’ve smoked three cigarettes–which is up from last week, and it’s only Wednesday. I also thought a whole bunch of impure thoughts. I don’t know why that’s a sin, you know? I’m fourteen. That’s what fourteen-year-olds do. Oh, well, God’s house, God’s rules; you don’t make them.
“Where was I? Oh, yeah. What commandment tells you not to draw schlongs in someone else’s textbooks?” I asked. “Either way, we also drew gross pictures of Sister Mary Sebastian in the margins and put it someplace where she could find it. I mean, it’s not like I’m coveting Sister Mary Sebastian or anything, but I’m pretty sure framing Jimmy Emerson for that is bearing false witness against my neighbor.”
I added, “Speaking of coveting, Heather Baruchel is still going with Alfred Nuñez, and I really want her to be going with me. It’s not like they’re married or anything, but I still think it would be adultery if I stole her away, so I’ll go ahead and skip that one, I think. That’s not my kind of sin. Besides, Alfred’s kind of a…” I wracked my brain for a confessional-safe word. “… jerk-face. It’s only a matter of time before she’s single again.
“And of course, I skipped school yesterday…”
I straightened my back. “Actually, I’m not going to apologize for that. There’s nothing to apologize for. I thought no impure thoughts, I didn’t covet my neighbor’s wife, and I didn’t kill anybody. My friend had a crisis, and word got back to me–always does–and I went to her. That’s what I do. Am I supposed to do anything less?
“She’s lost. She’s like a sheep in a briar patch or something like that, and I’m going to lead her out.” I wanted to stand to emphasize my point, but that’s not how things were done in a place like this. “Isn’t that what Christians are supposed to do?
“Anyway, let me get back on script: Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended thee, and I detest–“
I thought of something else. “And it’s not like she makes it easy to lead her away from the thorns. One minute, she’s like a puppy, you know? Following me around and attacking anyone who’s being mean to me? And the next she’s sulking and impossible. But I still look after her because she’s a good person. She really is.”
With a frown, I asked, “Could I get sainthood for that? How do you get sainthood anyway? Is there an application process? Because, believe me, if the pope ever met my friend, he’d fast-track me.
“Oh, and I can’t forget to mention the reason I’m here in the first place: Darla O’Donnell hired Angelo Schaaf and me to steal the answers to her Anatomy final, and the Mother Superior heard us in the teacher’s office, and we took off, and I’m hiding in here until she stops checking out the chapel. Amen.”
Just before I made the sign of the cross, I added, “Oh, and I played with myself at least ten times since my last confession.”
“Jesus, Max!” hissed the screen.
“Priests don’t say Jesus,” I replied. “Taking the Lord’s name in vain and all.”
“I’m not a priest!”
“You’re on the padre’s side of the confessional, Ange;” I told him, “you’re the padre.”
“Fine,” he said, “but I don’t want to hear about you playing with yourself!”
“There are no secrets from the Lord.”
He mumbled a bit until he stopped and opened the door a crack. He whispered, “I think she’s gone, Max.”
“Anyway, Lord,” I said to the sky, “Got to go. Thanks for listening. I’ll say Hail Marys and shit later.” I made the sign of the cross, jumped to my feet, and ran for it.